Just as I entered the final trimester, my mother was diagnosed with auto-immune ILD disease which took her life away within two weeks of diagnosis.It was a shock for all of us. Just two weeks before my mom was all happy and active and suddenly I am left all alone with a big baby bump. I lost my mother when i needed her the most in my life.
Everyone consoled me by saying " Be strong" " Dont get stressed out" " Think about the baby and be happy". Words which had no effect on me. I was in my own world thinking about all that I could have asked and learned from my mom.It made me realize that life is so unpredictable that you should not wait for another day to enjoy or do your stuff. I had so many questions and so many doubts to ask my mom. All left unanswered now!
My husband and family decided that the best thing to do in such a situation is to deport me to Kerala to my in-laws place. I tried my best to cancel such a plan but to no avail and within two weeks of my mothers demise, I landed in Kerala .
The maximum number of days I have ever stayed in Kerala was 10 days. So I had all good memories as a short stay only shows you the good side of village life and God's own country. So as you must have guessed, my first few days of stay was amazing. Everything was a new experience for me. The greenery,coconut water, organic farming,the peace,silence, birds, a huge house to stay..etc. All so new and wonderful. But as all good things stay for a short while ,the excitement lasted only for a week.
The silence started slowly creeping in. Loneliness started knocking the doors. Time just seemed to relax and say" I am in no hurry". Food started becoming bland...junk food cravings set in but nothing to bite at...I started becoming like a zombie with nothing to do and no meaning to life ! I miss my family at home. I miss the food that I used to love eating. I miss those coffee shops and joints. I miss the buzz of city life. I miss the noise and slowly things started to take a downhill and depression creeped in.
I had no idea what to do with my life. My husband just couldnt understand whats wrong with me! I silently cried for hours and started having all depressing thoughts. Started blaming God for such a life, for taking away my mom when i needed her the most...How cruel life can be! My first pregnancy experience and I am repenting... I started regretting that why I got myself pregnant. It became a punishment to me. No freedom to do anything. Cant eat what I like! My cravings just went down the hole and I started becoming more quieter and quieter as the days went by.
Now its my last month of trimester and I cant wait for the whole thing to get over and get back to Mumbai where my life is! People would say how can an expecting mother think this way...But thats how I feel! Its very difficult for a thorough city bred girl to adjust in a village. Pregnancy and baby has been like strangers for me. There is no glow left in me anymore.
Hopefully my mindset may change once the baby comes into this world!
Everyone consoled me by saying " Be strong" " Dont get stressed out" " Think about the baby and be happy". Words which had no effect on me. I was in my own world thinking about all that I could have asked and learned from my mom.It made me realize that life is so unpredictable that you should not wait for another day to enjoy or do your stuff. I had so many questions and so many doubts to ask my mom. All left unanswered now!
My husband and family decided that the best thing to do in such a situation is to deport me to Kerala to my in-laws place. I tried my best to cancel such a plan but to no avail and within two weeks of my mothers demise, I landed in Kerala .
The maximum number of days I have ever stayed in Kerala was 10 days. So I had all good memories as a short stay only shows you the good side of village life and God's own country. So as you must have guessed, my first few days of stay was amazing. Everything was a new experience for me. The greenery,coconut water, organic farming,the peace,silence, birds, a huge house to stay..etc. All so new and wonderful. But as all good things stay for a short while ,the excitement lasted only for a week.
The silence started slowly creeping in. Loneliness started knocking the doors. Time just seemed to relax and say" I am in no hurry". Food started becoming bland...junk food cravings set in but nothing to bite at...I started becoming like a zombie with nothing to do and no meaning to life ! I miss my family at home. I miss the food that I used to love eating. I miss those coffee shops and joints. I miss the buzz of city life. I miss the noise and slowly things started to take a downhill and depression creeped in.
I had no idea what to do with my life. My husband just couldnt understand whats wrong with me! I silently cried for hours and started having all depressing thoughts. Started blaming God for such a life, for taking away my mom when i needed her the most...How cruel life can be! My first pregnancy experience and I am repenting... I started regretting that why I got myself pregnant. It became a punishment to me. No freedom to do anything. Cant eat what I like! My cravings just went down the hole and I started becoming more quieter and quieter as the days went by.
Now its my last month of trimester and I cant wait for the whole thing to get over and get back to Mumbai where my life is! People would say how can an expecting mother think this way...But thats how I feel! Its very difficult for a thorough city bred girl to adjust in a village. Pregnancy and baby has been like strangers for me. There is no glow left in me anymore.
Hopefully my mindset may change once the baby comes into this world!
No comments:
Post a Comment